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Do you feel like you are pretty good with saving money, but your spouse not so much? It’s hard when one of you is trying to be frugal, save money, and get ahead while the other seems to spend money carelessly.
What do you do in situations like this?
Do you end up in fights about money all the time? Feel like you can’t get ahead because your spouse keeps spending and spending?
When we first got married, we fortunately were both frugal minded. And we kind of had to be, because we were young and working low income jobs.
As we started to earn more money, my husband wanted to buy expensive things. As for me, I’m a happy girl when I go to Dollar Tree or the grocery store.
17 Tips for Living With a Spender When You Are a Saver
We found a few ways to work together and find common ground that made us both happy. It is possible to survive living with a spender when you are a saver. Might just take a little work!
Use these tips for living with a spender when you are a saver to find what works best for your marriage!
These tips aren’t about getting your spender spouse to change their ways and start saving. But for you, the saver, to find ways to work together to reach your common goals. I want you to both be happy in your marriage and with your money.
As I get older, it occurs to me more and more that you cannot change a person or their ways. But, you can change the way you work with them and find out the best ways to work together.
It’s all about balance, compromise, and figuring out what works for your specific marriage.
Ok, let’s get to the tips for living with a spender!
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Have a personal cash budget
This is something we did early on that really helped us. You each get a set amount of personal cash to spend each week or month. Take this out in cash to be safe you don’t overspend. Each person can do whatever they want with their money. They don’t have to explain how they used it or why.
For instance, if your spouse loves to eat out for lunch and you can’t stand the thought of spending $7 on lunch (I feel you, btw), spender spouse can use their personal cash for that. Or for car parts, gas station snacks, or save for something they want.
This will help the spender feel free to spend their money on what they want, without fighting or judging. As the saver, remember to never ask, complain, or judge your spender spouse on their spending choices.
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Find common goals
Having common goals has been the biggest blessing in our financial journey together. We both wanted to pay off our house early, which we did because it was a COMMON goal. Meaning we both wanted this, so we both worked hard for it. Our next goal is to buy a large piece of land, so we are working hard to save for that.
Take some time to dream together and make some common goals you want to achieve. Do you want to take a dream vacation, get out of debt, or build a new house?
Your common goals will likely look very different than ours, and that is perfectly fine. Just find something you both want to achieve with your money, and work toward it together.
Related Post: Free Goal Planner Workbook
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Take care of bills first
Paying bills first will help you feel less of a burden or stressed. You may have little left after the bills are paid, but making sure they are taken care first is priority.
Set up a bill pay checking account to make this super easy. Calculate all of your bills for the year, divide by 12 (months), add a little for cushion, and transfer that much to the bill pay checking account each month. Then, you can have all of your bills drafted from that account. Never pay for anything else from that account.
No more fighting about bills not being paid because spender spouse spent the bill money on something stupid.
Related Post: The 4 Bank Accounts You Need to Have
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Use a separate savings account for big purchases
This is another huge one for us. My husband seems to always want expensive things. Is that a man thing? 😉 For instance, he wanted to buy a used tractor to help do work around our property. And he really wanted a Can Am side by side (off road vehicle).
Those aren’t cheap. But, I could see how much he wanted those things and I wanted him to be able to have them. I wasn’t just going to say, ok let’s go get a loan!
So, we decided we would save for these purchases in a separate savings account. Just like the bill pay account, we opened a separate savings account for these large purchases.
We took care of bills and other essentials first, then added a small amount to this account each paycheck. It was growing slowly, and my husband was eager for to make these purchases.
So, he started brainstorming more ways to make money. He took on side jobs to make more money, and that money went straight into this account. It was easy to see how much was in the account and how much more he needed to save.
Having this separate was so helpful because I knew we weren’t taking money away from other things, and my husband knew how much he had for his purchases.
Related Post: The Multiple Bank Accounts You Need to Budget Better
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Figure out the reason they want to spend
Ask the spender spouse why they want to spend money on the things they do. The reason may sound dumb to you, but just listen.
They may just think life is short, and they want to enjoy each day. (You may think, well life could be really long and I don’t want to be broke all my life.)
Both are very valid mindsets. Realize your way of thinking is not necessary the better way.
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Encourage the spender to get a side job
If spender spouse has many things they want to buy, encourage them to find new ways to make money to be able to buy those things sooner.
Having side jobs has helped us reach our big goals a lot faster. When you work on a side job, the money seems harder earned, so they may not want to spend as eagerly as they once did.
You can have a rule that whatever money they make from their side job, they get to do whatever they want with.
Related Post: 30 Side Job Ideas
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Work towards your goals together
We have worked many side jobs together to reach our goal of paying off our house early. From painting a house to installing hard wood floors to flipping furniture, we have worked together to reach our goal.
I truly believe this has made our marriage stronger and helped us reach our goals that much faster. Now, this may not work for you in the exact same way.
But try to work on your common goals together as much as you can, and remind each other what you are working towards.
Related Post: 8 Side Jobs We Do To Boost Our Income & Reach Our Goals
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Have a visual
I’m a very visual person, so I created a debt payoff visual as we were working on paying off our house. It was helpful to me to see how much we had paid, and how much was left.
Try making a visual for your goals, and see if that helps you both stay motivated and focused on reaching your money goals.
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Read helpful books
I love reading books on saving money, making more money, and marriage books. A lot of the marriage books can help you work through money challenges in your marriage.
Find something that interests you to find new ways to work through challenges you are going through. Your spouse may not be anxious to also read these books, and that’s ok.
Here are some books I’ve read and love and some that are on my list to read:
The Spender’s Guide to Debt Free Living
Related Post: 11 Books to Help You Save and Make Money
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Realize neither one of you is in charge
You are 50/50 partners in this marriage. Just because you know how to save money better, does not automatically make you in charge.
Both of your wishes and goals are important, as well as your thoughts on money.
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Discuss instead of fighting
Fighting about money will never make your money situation better, it will only make it worse. Try to quiet your stubbornness, and have a calm discussion about what’s working and not working. Don’t raise your voice, don’t use words like never/always, and remember that you aren’t perfect either.
Figure out how you can work together to become financially successful.
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Figure out your priorities
Knowing each other’s money related priorities will help you find common ground and make goals.
Hopefully your priorities align. If they don’t, find common priorities that do and focus on those.
Our priority is always to get out of debt, then to save for our future land.
Related Post: $1000 Money Saving Challenge + Free Printable
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Listen attentively
When your spouse is talking about something they want or anything about money, listen attentively and only listen. Resist the urge to shout what’s on your mind or to belittle their ideas.
You married them for good reasons (we hope), and they deserve to have a spouse that listens. By listening, you may gain insight as to why they think they way they do, what’s important to them, and what their dreams are.
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Find a common ground
Your spender spouse may think along the lines of “Life is short! Live for today!”.
While you the saver, might think “We need to be prepared for the future. What if something happens?”
Can you argue with either point, really? They are both valid.
Try to find common ground. Having personal “do whatever you want” cash and a separate savings account for big purchases may help the spender feel seen and heard. Paying the bills first and having an emergency fund will help you, the saver, feel good.
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Get a system in place
Find a system that works for both of you to keep track of your money. This may be a budget app, a detailed spreadsheet, a simple piece of paper, or something entirely different.
Try a few methods until you find what works for both of you. This may not be the same method – totally fine!
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Decide your marriage is the most important
In the end, your marriage is worth any struggles or disagreements you may have about money. Realizing that is key to a happy marriage.
Working through hard things will make your marriage stronger.
There is a crazy statistic that many marriages end in divorce over money fights. Don’t be one of them!! It’s not worth it.
You can work through this and you will be better off in the end. You’ll find ways to understand each other better, ways to compromise, and ways to fight for the best life for both of you.
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Pray
Not to come last in order of importance, but prayer can be very powerful in helping you work through struggles in your marriage and financial life.
Pray for help, guidance, answers, and patience in your marriage, and specifically your finances. God hears our prayers and he is waiting for us to reach out to him, asking for help.
You can also seek guidance through a program at a church or a financial class offered in your community.
Living with a spender when you are a saver is not easy, but you can do so successful with the tips above and a whole lot of patience.
Come back to these tips anytime you feel frustrated, annoyed, or angry with your spouse for spending money when you know you should be saving more.
In the end, your marriage is worth the work, effort, time, and energy you put into it. Find ways to work together towards common goals, give each other a little freedom, and never give up.
I hope these tips bless your marriage, and help make living with a spender when you are a saver a little easier.
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